Would you consider a relationship with someone who lived miles away? There’s a lot to weigh-up in these situations. Sometimes it may occur organically and you’re already in a relationship when your partner receives an opportunity to go away to study, work, or they receive an overseas posting.

Or you join an online dating site and gradually form an attachment, not initially minding that they live a significant distance from you. It may have seemed attractive, perhaps even convenient at the outset, with not too much disruption to your regular life, but as the relationship progresses it’s less easy to accommodate.

Long distance can be hard for several reasons. An important component in any growing relationship is physical touch, however fleeting it may be; a pat on someone’s arm, a jokey nudge, a playful tap on the bum as they pass by. And then there are the cuddles that may or may not comfortably lead to something more. Also, non-verbal cues, like a wink, a meaningful glance, a subtle intake of breath, are more apparent and relatable to when you’re physically in each other’s company.

A growing sense of intimacy is enhanced through regular presence; enjoying a meal, laughing as you share the washing up, grumbling when the duvet’s being hogged or your sleep’s disturbed by your partner’s snores. Then there’s the natural toing and froing of conversation, perhaps remembering something you want to share, which can’t happen as easily long-distance. That affectionate kiss as you leave in the morning or enquiring after their day happens naturally in person. So much has to be agreed and scheduled when trying to navigate a long-distance relationship.

Dealing with a lack of touch in a long-distance relationship can require patience and ingenuity. Using Face-time and Zoom can enable a couple to see each other and engage in intimacy, albeit from a distance. Sharing fantasies, describing how they feel, what they want on-line can go some way to help alleviate sexual tension and frustration. Planning themed meet-ups online can be fun and add a frisson to those occasions.

But it’s often the familiar hugs, the routine ‘leaving the house’ kisses or affectionate touches that are missed in a long-distance relationship. Various research papers recommend nine hugs each day as the optimal number for maintaining good emotional health. Being sure to hug friends and family members can compensate a little if you’re missing warmth and emotional touches in your life.

Maintaining an emotional bond can feel more contrived when it’s being done online. Emotional connection encompasses so many things, from the length of time you’ve been together, significant moments like anniversaries, birthdays, life events, as well as the times of illness, family crises, work-related issues and special holidays. There’s a connection and shared bond formed during these experiences, as you gradually learn to tune into what each other is thinking and feeling, then discovering how various experiences affect each one.

Talking together as you share and listen constructively helps to build strong emotional connections, especially over a long distance. Being there for each other ‘through it all’, being reliable, supportive and their strongest ally also means that you sometimes have to appreciate those times when you give more than you receive, and other times when you’re the one in need of extra support.

Long-distance often requires extra effort, honouring plans to keep in touch on a regular basis and treating the relationship as an important priority. But sometimes there’s a need for greater tolerance, flexibility and understanding. If your partner seems busy, preoccupied or less available it’s not necessarily that there’s something wrong or they’re losing interest in the relationship. There may be other preoccupations, areas of stress in their life and they need their interaction with you to be light and fun, not filled with serious questions about what’s on their mind.

Effort is required to maintain a successful relationship when you’re apart for long periods of time. Life ‘at home’ continues for both, but when a pair are continuously detached from each other’s day-to-day lives both have to decide how much mundanity they routinely share with each other.

Irritations, like minor issues at home, may seem trivial, tedious or too irrelevant to talk about, even though these are a normal part of daily life and possibly the most momentous thing that’s happened since last speaking. But, what to talk about instead? Losing the inclination and desire to chat or share thoughts, perhaps even becoming bored at the prospect of trying, gradually having less and less to discuss, being regularly late or unavailable, all are signs that the relationship is becoming too much effort.

Also, feeling under pressure to speak every day can place a lot of stress and tension on a long-distance relationship. Whilst it’s true that we make time for things that are important to us, it’s also important to understand that sometimes life gets in the way. An ongoing, long-distance relationship has to fit into our regular lives, yet shouldn’t become an item on each day’s ‘to do’ list. Otherwise keeping in touch can become another chore, as opposed to an eagerly anticipated part of the day.

Some flexibility and understanding has to be applied, making allowances for each other’s schedules and timetables, appreciating that external demands may suddenly require immediate attention, or an unanticipated invitation might be something they’d like to attend. Having access to texting and What’s App can enable regular communication, without always having to talk. Texting without needing a reply, sending a simple heart emoji, or ‘thinking of you’, can be a special touch that brings a smile to the recipient’s face. Or sending a thoughtful gift of something they’d previously mentioned.

Positive feelings can be evidenced in several ways in a long-distance relationship. Remembering to follow up on your conversations, referencing what’s previously been discussed, provides reassurance that you’re loved and cared for, that your conversations are thought about after they’ve ended. Asking questions and showing an interest in what’s happening demonstrates ongoing interest.

Little touches and extra effort make all the difference in providing comfort and reassurance, especially in a long distance relationship.

About the Author - This piece was written by Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist Find out more by visiting her website here.